In any relationship, HSP or not, couples can get in bad communication habits of being negative with each other. This is especially difficult for HSPs. If you’re the HSP it’s hard to be on the receiving end because it feeds messages you’ve heard most of your life to “suck it up.” So it becomes difficult for you to voice your hurt, which leaves you in this endless internal cycle of feeling hurt but hating yourself because you feel hurt and wishing you were “tougher.” If you’re the HSP who’s doling out the criticism, it can be hard to see the way in which you’re communication shuts down your partner, which in turn is very hard for your system to tolerate.
So, instead of saying “You never open up to me. I want to know what you’re feeling but you just aren’t capable of being vulnerable with me,” you could try, “Boy, when you just told me you were happy or frustrated I felt close to you. Thank you for doing that. I really like it when you tell me what’s going on with you. It helps me feel like we’re a team.”
You could also try “When you came home and went straight to the bedroom to unwind from the day, I noticed I was needing some acknowledgement or attention from you. I missed you and wanted to check in with you.” Instead of, “It was pretty awful of you not to even acknowledge me when you walked in the door from work. You do realize I’ve been home all day with the kids and now I have dinner on the table ready for you and you can’t even say hello?”
Hopefully, by now you’re noticing the difference between those two approaches!
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