9 Steps to Managing Conflict, #6: Fighting is Going to Happen
The goal is not to ever fight. That’s unrealistic.
If you’re in a committed relationship, there will be fights!
So the first thing you can work on is setting realistic expectation between the two of you.
Secondly, when there is an argument you can work on not escalating. Soothing your nervous system is a great practice that can help keep you from escalating. I talk about that in other blog posts.
So you’ve watched those videos and helped yourself calm and soothe, now what?
Well, there are two things I want you to try.
First, while you and your partner are actively arguing what I invite you to ask yourself is: What about what my partner is saying can I agree with? Usually there’s at least one thing. I know – it’s hard. But try. Keep in mind that you can only find this thing if you’re listening.
Second, I want you to start your response with this thing you can agree on. So you start out with something like, “I hear you’re frustrated that I leave my shoes in the middle of the living room. Sometimes I trip over them too. I think I can work on building a different habit but I need your help. When you raise our voice and sigh and roll your eyes, I feel really defensive. And then I’m focused more on your reaction than on my shoes. What I’d like to ask is more gentleness and patience with me as I work to build this new habit.”
If you’d like to learn more about how to manage conflict in your relationship, call me.
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