Easter has come and gone and as is usually the case I’m thinking about renewal and rebirth. Regardless of your religious or spiritual preferences you can use this as a time to reflect on these topics too. This reflection can be particularly useful for couples in therapy.
Typically when couples come to therapy it’s at least partly because communication has broken down.
You’re either fighting way too much or not enough.
Yes, you heard right, problems in your relationship could be from not fighting enough.
Perhaps you were taught growing up that anger was bad. The fact is anger happens!
It’s completely natural – and unavoidable.
Of course, there are more constructive ways to fight than others but generally speaking fighting can be a sign that the relationship matters. Anger can be enlivening and engaging but when that anger is hurtful or abusive, of course, it’s just destructive.
The key to arguing more constructively is learning the ways in which you react impulsively – saying and doing hurtful things, in essence pointing your flashlight outwards.
Acting out your anger, instead of talking about it, can be incredibly damaging to relationships.
In therapy, you have the opportunity to talk – to use your words – to describe your frustration, hurt, loss, or sadness. Your therapist can ensure those conversations happen in a protected way, and can guide you to increasingly effective ways of expressing your anger outside the therapy room.
In addition to learning more effective ways of communicating, talking about how you’re feeling is also one way of getting your needs met. Your feelings are instructive guides to letting you know what needs you have, and which needs are not getting met in your relationship.
So, another great way therapy is helpful is to provide a context in which you and your partner can more safely discuss what needs you have, and how to get them met.
Perhaps you’re in a relationship where the main sources of connection occur when fighting. The good news is you’re connecting!
And even better news is that you can learn different ways of connecting in therapy. Indeed, renewal in relationship happens when you relate to your partner in a different way. Instead of becoming defensive for instance, you’re able to hear your partner in a new way. When this happens, your compassion grows and the sustainability of the relationship increases exponentially.
I encourage you to think about the ways in which you dream about renewing your relationship. What might that be like? A good therapist can help you get there.
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