I’ve been thinking a lot lately about renewal and rebirth. Regardless of your
religious or spiritual preferences maybe you’ve been reflecting on it too. This
reflection can be particularly useful for couples in therapy.

Typically when couples come to therapy it’s at least partly because communication
has broken down. You’re either fighting way too much or not enough. Yes, you heard
right, problems in your relationship could be from not fighting enough. Perhaps you
were taught growing up that anger was bad. The fact is anger happens! It’s
completely natural – and unavoidable. Of course, there are more constructive ways
to fight than others but generally speaking fighting can be a sign that the
relationship matters. Anger can be enlivening and engaging but when that anger is
hurtful or abusive, of course, it’s just destructive. The key to arguing more
constructively is learning the ways in which you react impulsively – saying and
doing hurtful things, in essence pointing your flashlight outwards (read more about
that here).

Acting out your anger, instead of talking about it, can be incredibly damaging to
relationships. In therapy, you have the opportunity to talk – to use your words – to
describe your frustration, hurt, loss, or sadness. Your therapist can ensure those
conversations happen in a protected way, and can guide you to increasingly
effective ways of expressing your anger outside the therapy room.

In addition to learning more effective ways of communicating, talking about how
you’re feeling is also one way of getting your needs met. Your feelings are
instructive guides to letting you know what needs you have, and which needs are
not getting met in your relationship. So, another great way therapy is helpful is to
provide a context in which you and your partner can more safely discuss what needs
you have, and how to get them met.

Perhaps you’re in a relationship where the main sources of connection occur when
fighting. The good news is you’re connecting! And even better news is that you can
learn different ways of connecting in therapy. Indeed, renewal in relationship
happens when you relate to your partner in a different way. Instead of becoming
defensive for instance, you’re able to hear your partner in a new way. When this
happens, your compassion grows and the sustainability of the relationship increases
exponentially.

I encourage you to think about the ways in which you dream about renewing your
relationship. What might that be like? A good therapist can help you get there.