Using nonviolent communication can be incredibly helpful, especially in times of
turmoil. In therapy with my clients, we practice using this model and I can
encourage you where you may get stuck.

In a nutshell, the model consists of four steps. I describe the steps below and use an
example of a partner home late to help illustrate its use. What I hope you notice is
the consistent use of “I” statements. Instead of pointing fingers, which can make
your partner defensive, talk about YOU!

1. THE FACTS
   Here’s the time to be as specific as possible, taking care to avoid any blaming or
   judgmental language. So, for example:
   “You said you would be home at 6:00 tonight. It is now 8:30.”
   –Notice I didn’t say, “How dare you! You’re home 2 and a half hours later than
   you said you’d be – I can’t trust anything you say!”
   
2. YOUR FEELING
   State what you’re feeling. Notice I’m saying what YOU are feeling, not what YOUR
   PARTNER is or isn’t:
   “I feel angry.”
   –Instead of, “You’re a real jerk.”
   
3. YOUR NEED
   This part often confuses people. It is different from a direct request. In this part,
   you’re communicating something larger, deeper, or more meaningful to you – a
   need that’s not getting met by your partner’s tardiness. This need will vary. But,
   for the sake of our example:
   “I have a need to spend more quality time with you. I miss you during the
   day when we’re both at work and I look forward to our evenings together. It’s
   a real time of connection for me.”
   Or it could be:
   “I have a need to organize and plan our evening meals together.
   Structure is important to me and when I don’t have it, I’m unsettled.”
   
4. YOUR REQUEST
   Here, again, be as specific as possible.

“I ask that you call me the next time you’re going to be late as soon as you
know so that I can reschedule accordingly.”
–Not, “Can you not be such a jerk all the time?”
The simple language of the request makes it clear to your partner what you’d
like to see happen next time. It’s also something that’s easy to do.

So, now your partner knows exactly what he or she did that upset you, how
you’re feeling about it, what deeper needs you have, and exactly what he or she
can do next time. This kind of clarity will vastly improve your communication. I
encourage you to try it at home! And if you’re wanting more information or to
practice it in person, consider setting up an appointment with me. You can call
met at 512.669.0395. Thank you!