You’ve probably never heard of the idea of “limbic resonance” but once you
understand it, it has the power to radically change your relationship. The idea,
promulgated by Lewis, Amini, and Lannon in their book “A General Theory of Love”
posits that our nervous systems react and respond to those around us – we aren’t
simply islands where no one has an effect on us. When people around us are
anxious or charismatic, we can feel that. And once we feel it our nervous systems
respond in kind. So, how could that concept help us in relationship?

I recently received a call from a bank claiming I owed money on a dental procedure I
knew I didn’t have. I politely told them they had incorrect information and asked
them not to call again. They proceeded to harass and intimidate me, raising their
voices and suggesting they would take legal action if I did not pay them. I knew it
was a scam and yet during the phone call (that is, before I had to hang up on them)
my heart rate increased, I could feel my blood pressure rising, my face
flushing, and my extremities wanting to either punch something or run away.

I hung up and immediately called my husband. (And before I go any further with this
story you should know my husband and I have been in couple’s therapy for years
and we actively work on our relationship.)

I told him the story and right away he said, “Oh honey that’s awful. I’m so sorry that
happened. That’s just terrible.” He spoke in soothing, caring tones – I could hear and
feel his empathy even through the phone. And as he spoke my heart rate decreased,
my blood pressure dropped, and my limbs relaxed. I could actually sit down for the
first time since the call. He went on, “I’m sure you’re mad and I know how they
pushed a lot of your buttons but it sounds like you handled everything really well.”
And the more he talked the better I felt. The calmer I felt.

That’s limbic resonance.

Notice what he didn’t say. He didn’t say “Well did you pay your dentist the last
time you went?” Or, “Why didn’t you just hang up on them sooner? You shouldn’t
have handled it that way.” Or better yet, “Well you do have issues with money so
maybe you should look into that and make sure.” Any one of those statements would
have sent my blood pressure racing even higher! But (again after lots and lots of
work) he empathized with me. He was able to put himself in my shoes, see it from
my perspective, hear the anger and upset in my voice and instead of shaming me or
scolding me, he chose to understand and help soothe me. When we cultivate the
ability to do that in relationship, we become more effective and successful at it. We
even begin working as a team – and that feels so good!

If you’re interested in finding out more about limbic resonance and how it could
improve your relationship, call me!