I’m a politics junkie and I’ve always loved listening to coverage about politics. I’m also a therapist and I help adult individuals and couples – a lot of couples lately. So now it’s hard for me to listen to coverage of politics without having my therapist hat on. I know that this most recent presidential election cycle was unusually vitriolic. And I know it’s hard not to think in a partisan way when reading or hearing anything related to politics. Having said that I want to speak to everyone – Democrat, Republican, and Independent. Whether you were a Bernie supporter or loved Evan McMullin, there’s an important idea here that might just radically change your life.
Whether it’s NPR or CNN, I’ve heard a lot of coverage interviewing the “average person” (whoever that is!) and what she or he thinks about the President. Often, when people speak about him they admire how he seems to speak his mind. He doesn’t need talking points or seem to rely on well thought-out, rehearsed campaign positions. Sometimes this style is contrasted with that of Hillary Clinton’s more practiced style – some even feeling she’s “robotic.”
As a therapist, I think there’s a really important discussion here to have about what this means about how we communicate in relationship, at work, and with our families. And most importantly, how we can get better at it.
Often when couples call to schedule an appointment and I ask what brings them to counseling, I hear “communication problems.” Nine times out of ten people want to learn how to communicate better. “We need to learn how to talk to each other,” one partner will say. But by the time they make it to my office, what they’re inevitably saying is, “Teach my partner how to communicate better.” Read: “the problems in our relationship are not my fault. They’re his fault because he doesn’t know how to talk to me.” It’s so hard to hear how we ourselves communicate. This difficulty means we often blame our partner for all the problems in our relationship. So in therapy I spend a lot of time teaching my clients how to listen to how they themselves are communicating. They learn how to move from reaction to response.
So in the beginning of our work together, one partner might say, “I hate you” when that partner feels angry. I hear it a lot. Or “You’re awful. You never XYZ.” Over time, I help this partner to slow down, learn what they’re feeling in the moment and what they might need. We move from “I hate you,” to “I feel angry and hurt. I’ve been missing you all day and when you didn’t make eye contact with me when you came home it’s like my bubble bursted. Can we schedule some time to connect at the end of the day?” This kind of communication means your partner is much less likely to defend himself. And that mean he’s much more likely to help you get your needs met. This kind of communication also means we get the opportunity to learn just how much the relationship means to this partner that an “I hate you” will never capture.
In this example you can see how she moved from saying exactly, reactively, what was on her mind to a more measured, careful response. This skill is so helpful! Unfortunately, many of us don’t learn this growing up. We learn from parents who are also reactive, who don’t slow themselves down. Basically, we learn from people who are speaking their mind. They say exactly what they’re thinking as they’re thinking it.
And while some of us claim to want that exact characteristic in a president, I would argue you really don’t. There are lots of reasons you don’t want it having to do with politics and policies – like the importance of having diplomatic skills. But in relationship you really don’t want it. What you want in relationship is someone who’s able to metaphorically pull the camera back – someone who’s able to see her behavior instead of identify with it so strongly the feeling becomes her. What you want is someone who’s able to slow herself down and communicate what’s really important to her – like what she’s feeling and what she needs from you. But in order to do this, we must develop the capacity over time to NOT say exactly what we’re thinking as we’re thinking it! This skill not only comes in handy at home, but at work too. How many of us have mouthed off to a boss – saying exactly how we felt about their management?! How many of us wish we could replay that conversation?
I think what people are really responding to when they admire “speaking your mind” is authenticity – that ability to be real and genuine and not fake or phony. So as real as “I hate you” might seem I would argue the much more authentic conversation to have if you’re upset that your partner didn’t make eye contact with you when he came home is how much you love him, how much he means to you, how much your partnership means and your desire to have that reflected back to you. To know he also loves you and cares enough about you and the relationship to make eye contact with you. In essence, it’s not really the lack of eye contact you’re hurt about. It’s the inferred message he doesn’t care that hurts.
Imagine a world where all of us together were working on this ability. Where our political leaders, from the national to the local level, as well as our schoolteachers, parents, and children were all slowing themselves down, understanding what they’re feeling, and expressing what they’re needing in a relational way. Imagine this way of communicating became our new model for what it means to speak our minds. But maybe then I would go out of business!
If you’d like to learn more about how to communicate in this way with your partner, call me!
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