One of my mentors recently reminded me of the four basic principles of many
spiritual and psychological paths:

1. Show Up
2. Be Present
3. Speak Your Truth
4. Let Go
   Sounds easy, right? If only!
   There’s much to say about each of these steps so for now let’s start with:

1 – Showing Up.

In a way, that’s the hardest part. So many things keep us from showing up – in our
own lives and with others. We’re afraid of how others might judge us. So we close off
any possibility by just not showing up in the first place. I may want to start a new
yoga practice, take a Spanish class, learn better budgeting skills, or eat healthier. But
if I don’t show up to those classes, that computer program or app, or that healthy
plate of greens, I foreclose on any possibility. Showing up itself is an act of bravery
to the degree we must confront our fears of failing. If I show up to that yoga class
and don’t really like it, instead of discerning what I liked and didn’t, I might attack
myself instead. I might judge myself and compare myself to the others in class. So,
better just not show up in the first place, right?!

Instead, can we give ourselves credit for showing up? Can we acknowledge – and
not minimize – the bravery showing up requires? Can we forgive ourselves for
mistakes made? Can we dare to believe we may do better than we ever imagined?
I saw this on an Austin billboard recently by a writer named Erin Hanson and it
really applies to this idea of Showing Up:
“What if I fall?”
“Oh my darling, what if you fly?”

2. Be Present

You may show up to things regularly but then check out once you’re there.
Unfortunately, there are so many ways we can check out – our phones, TV, the
Internet, eating too much, drinking too much, shopping – the list is so long! So I go to
the yoga class but the entire time I’m thinking, “I can’t wait for this to be over. When
I get home I’m going watch more of the Leah Remini show. And then…And
then…And then…”

To just be present – be present with whatever we’re feeling and thinking is so much
harder than it sounds. And in my opinion it’s hard mostly because we’re avoiding
our feelings – not our thoughts.

Four of the basic emotions are mad, sad, glad, and scared. So it’s helpful to ask when
you notice yourself checking out – what am I feeling? And what feeling am I trying to
avoid?

Doing this exercise also helps us build our observing ego – the part of us that can
pull the camera back and look at our behaviors and ourselves. In the yoga class
example above, I may be avoiding feelings of sadness because I’m comparing myself
to others and not measuring up. I may be avoiding feelings of frustration because
starting any new exercise program that our bodies aren’t used to is difficult. It’s
difficult to be a beginner in a culture that expects us to be perfect at everything all the
time!

But, if we can validate this feeling in ourselves without minimizing it or making
ourselves wrong for it, we have a chance to help ourselves with it. So instead of
telling yourself, “Hey just get over it. You’re being a baby. Suck it up” try saying “It IS
hard to start a new yoga practice! I feel frustrated that I don’t know what I’m doing
and others in the class seem to know – and that IS difficult. But thank you self for
trying and for showing up in the first place.” With that kind of internal talk, you’re
much more likely to be present with the class!

3. Speak Your Truth

I said previously that showing up may be the hardest part, but so is speaking your
truth! Like with “simply” showing up and being present, speaking your truth
really requires being seen. When we say what we’re feeling, and what we really
want or need, we make ourselves vulnerable. And that’s scary for a lot of us. (And if
you aren’t scared of that you’re probably not telling the truth!)

We aren’t taught in this culture to be vulnerable – in fact we’re taught the opposite.
Suck it up. Soldier on. Gitter done. Does that sound familiar to you? I’ve written
elsewhere about Brene Brown and her work on vulnerability. If you haven’t already,
I encourage you to visit her website at brenebrown.com or read one of her books.
To handle the discomfort of speaking our truth – and therefore being vulnerable –
many of us develop ways to get around speaking our truth. So we contain it. If we’re
not speaking it, we’re containing it. But containing – to the degree that many of us
do – is really hard work. This means that often it’s coming out somehow. We may
become passive aggressive. We may imbibe in alcohol or substances to numb
ourselves to the pain of containing our truth. We may contain so much that
eventually our truth has to come out – and when it does hold on! We explode all
over the place.

Instead, it can be helpful to ask, what are we avoiding when we avoid speaking our
truth? Are we successfully avoiding it or just putting it off? What would my future
self want me to do or say right now?

What truth are you holding on to? How can you get help in learning how to speak it?

4. Let Go (or, Hold Space)

So, you’ve successfully shown up, worked at being present, and you then spoke your
truth. Now what? Well now you work on letting go of expecting others to feel
and/or respond in a certain way.

So while I want to talk about what letting go IS, I also want to talk about what it is
NOT. Often in spiritual circles, you’ll hear the phrase “Let Go.” If we’re “too angry” or
“too sad” or holding on to resentments, we’re told to simply let it go! Just let it go!
Ugh.

Letting go – to me – isn’t about not feeling your feelings. If you’re trying not to feel
something you think is unpleasant, you’re not letting go of anything. You’re
avoiding. If you’re angry and you’re being told to let go of that anger a few things
will happen. One, you’re likely to get angry/frustrated about being told that! Two, to
the degree you believe it, you’re likely to minimize yourself by minimizing what
you’re feeling. You’re more likely to tell yourself that your feelings aren’t justified.
Well, feelings are just feelings. Justify or rationalize them – or not – but as a human
being you’re going to have them. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, good or bad.
What we do with them is a separate issue of course. But the feeling itself isn’t
good or bad.

What you CAN work on letting go of is the idea that others can’t have their
emotional reaction because you spoke your truth. Your truth may anger or hurt
others. Most of the time, this shouldn’t mean we silence ourselves. But when we
express ourselves, others are entitled to their feelings. And we can work on allowing
that to happen. Some people call that “holding space.” When we hold space for
others, and for ourselves, we help build safety internally and externally. We make it
safe for ourselves to have feelings – and for others around to us as well.
This is so much harder than it sounds! I encourage you to get help on this
journey if you don’t already have it.