I may be putting myself out of business here but couples counseling as a client is SO HARD!
When your partner is in the room arguing with you, you get the “opportunity” to see yourself in
action. Do you attack back – unleashing insults? Do you shut down in silence – putting up a wall
of ice? Do you condescend to your partner – letting them know how uninformed they are? Do
you see how overbearing and controlling you can be? (Ahem, not me once ever, not ever.) Do
you sit there with your arms crossed looking at me the therapist with the expression: “You see?
You see how awful they are?” You long for the days of individual counseling when you could
simply report on how awful they are. But now there’s nothing to hide behind!

As a couples therapist I hear A LOT of arguments. And one dynamic stays consistent throughout
them. We just all really, really want to be right. We stick to our perspectives come hell or high
water without much or any curiosity about how we’re impacting our partner. We certainly
don’t get curious about what we’re like to be in relationship with. We’re pointing the finger out,
not in. We could give a shit about their perspective.

The way out – that most couples resist and can build over time – is to have curiosity about
yourself and your partner. Building the kind of curiosity I’m referring to takes time and so much
patience with yourself. We have to begin to value connection over being right. And we can do
this by asking ourselves:

–How am I impacting my partner right now?
–Is what I’m saying pushing them away?
–Is this what I want right now?
–How could I get curious in this moment in order to better understand their perspective? Will I
trust that I can get this returned to me by asking for what I need and not assuming I’ll
automatically get what’s been given?
–If I were to look at myself in the mirror, what would I see? If my body could take the shape of
something right now, would it be a wall of ice? A ball of fire? How is that for my partner?

If you’re ready to take this work on, I encourage you to call me at 512.669.0395 to see if we
might be a good fit.