For some couples, reading outside of the office helps clarify the understanding they gain during sessions. For those people there are a handful of resources I go back to again and again and I’ve listed them below. The specific ways they apply to you and your relationship are of course unique but the general concepts talked about help everyone!

1. The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

I love anything written by Harriet Lerner! She’s not only easy to read and understand but I think she has a unique ability to take complex concepts and through example help people understand them. She’s a long practicing therapist and has many case examples to draw on. One of the concepts she talks a lot about is over- and under-functioning. This is a dynamic two people can get in where when one takes on too much work it invites the other to do less work. And when one does too much work it also invites anger and resentment. What I love about the book is that not only does she help people understand this but she also gives ideas about what to do about it. And she gives real-life examples – which for me is always inspirational. If someone else can do it, surely you can as well!

2. Men, Women, and Worthiness by Brene Brown

Well once again I have to admit that I love anything written by Brene Brown – but I especially love to hear her talk. She’s funny, witty, and so personable. So this isn’t a book but an audio CD where she helps us understand the dynamics at play in our relationships that keep us distant from each other and afraid of connecting. One of the points she makes here that I come back to again and again (as a therapist and as a married person) is that if as women we want men to be more emotionally vulnerable and open (which so many of us say we want) then we have to be more able to tolerate our own fear and sadness. If I ask my husband to open up to me and then he does and cries but my social conditioning says crying is weakness then I’m only more likely to shut him down – which teaches him I’m not safe to open up to. And this repeats and exacerbates the pattern of him not talking to me – and then me feeling sad or mad because he’s not. But this mixed message is very unfair to him! So, in this audio CD, Brene Brown delves deep into this subject and teaches us how we might approach our partners differently. 

3. Come As Your Are by Emily Nagoski

For my couples interested in having a more satisfying sexual relationship, or just wanting to learn more about sexuality, I always recommend this book. After reading it, I recently heard Emily speak and was totally blown away! She’s awesome because she’s able to take a subject that so many of us have difficulty talking about with each other and helps make it more comfortable. The book is full of straight-up information about anatomy and sexuality. But it also offers guidance about how to have a more satisfying sexual life – by encouraging us to think about cultivating it. She talks about the difference between spontaneous and responsive sexual desire. When we first get together, our desire is spontaneous – and then after time we lose that spontaneity but continue to expect our partner to have that desire toward us. But this change from spontaneity to responsiveness is a normal part of the sexual life of a couple. Given that, it means we have to be intentional about creating that desire within us and between us. So as with the other two books, what I love here is that she walks you through just how to do that. 

If you’re interested in finding out more about how this could improve your relationship, call me!