9 Steps to Managing Conflict, #4: Take Time-Outs
I can hear you already: “Yes I know this is what I should do but in the moment I just feel like yelling and screaming.”
Well, this is exactly why a Time-Out is necessary.
When the argument is heated and you’re flooded with emotion but don’t take a Time-Out, it’s like you’re telling your partner, “Hey I want this fight to get ugly. Let’s say things to each other that we’re really going to regret tomorrow.” Reading that sounds ridiculous, right?
Take a Time-Out.
Have an ironclad rule in your relationship that they are allowed and not to be used against each other. When you request it, let your partner know when you’ll be coming back to resume the discussion. THIS IS ESSENTIAL – both that you communicate about coming back and that you actually do come back. So often couples will take a Time-Out only to leave the argument for fear it will escalate. When you do this you build resentment in the relationship. Because it’s very likely your partner didn’t forget about it. So they sit on it. And when the issue comes up again, there’s all this built up emotion around it. So, what happens? The fight is even more heated this time. Not a recipe for success.
I’ve mentioned John Gottman’s work here before. His research helped solidify for me the importance of taking a time-out. Check out his website for more information.
If you’d like to learn more about how to manage conflict in your relationship, call me.
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