9 Steps to Managing Conflict, #1: Build the Friendship
You may be wondering how this could possibly help in a time of conflict. The way I think about it is like my bank account – and better yet, my savings account. When I’ve been making lots of deposits, there’s a lot of money in there so that when my car breaks down I have plenty of savings to withdraw from. It might unsettle me that I have to spend that much money on my car. I may not enjoy having to use the money I’ve saved for that purpose.
But at least I have the money.
If I didn’t I’d be overdrawn. I’d have a negative bank account.
The same is true in relationships. When we argue it’s like we’re making a withdrawal. If we don’t have enough good times in our relationships then when I have an issue to bring up it’s like I’m making a withdrawal when there’s no money there.
Build the friendship. Go on dates without the children. Just the two of you.
The idea that building the friendship will really help in times of conflict comes from the work of relationship researcher, John Gottman, Ph.D. I encourage you to visit his website to learn more about his findings and how they can help your marriage.
If you’d like to learn more about how to manage conflict in your relationship, or more about Gottman, call me.
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